Do You Really Need That Boundary? Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, right? They help us protect our energy, communicate our needs, and build mutual respect. But what happens when the boundaries we set aren’t actually about protecting ourselves but about controlling others? It’s a tricky line to walk, but it’s an important one to explore.

Let’s start with this: boundaries are about you. They’re a way of saying, “This is what I need to feel safe, respected, and healthy.” They aren’t about forcing someone else to act a certain way to make you comfortable. When boundaries start to become a tool for controlling others, they lose their purpose and can create resentment or conflict.

Boundaries vs. Control

Imagine you’re frustrated because a friend constantly texts late at night. A boundary might look like saying, “I turn my phone off at 9 p.m. to focus on unwinding, so I won’t respond to texts after that time.” You’re clearly stating what you’ll do to protect your own peace.

Now, let’s say instead you tell that same friend, “You need to stop texting me late at night—it’s so annoying.” This shifts the focus from your own needs to controlling their behavior. Instead of setting a boundary, you’re putting the responsibility on them to change how they act.

The difference might seem small, but it’s huge. A boundary gives you control over your own actions and well-being. Control tries to dictate someone else’s behavior, often leaving both people feeling frustrated.

How to Know If You’re Setting a Boundary or Trying to Control

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Am I focusing on what I need, or am I focused on changing their behavior?

• If they don’t follow my boundary, do I have a plan for how I’ll respond without punishing them?

• Does this boundary honor my needs while respecting their autonomy?

If the answer leans more toward controlling someone else, it might be time to rethink how you’re framing your request.

Why Control Doesn’t Work

The tough truth is, we can’t control other people. We might think we’re just “asking for what we need,” but if that ask depends on someone else changing who they are, it’s going to lead to frustration. People have a right to make their own choices—even if those choices don’t align with what we want.

Healthy boundaries are about accepting this reality. They’re about taking responsibility for your own actions, not trying to manage someone else’s.

A Healthy Approach to Boundaries

Instead of focusing on what others should do, try focusing on what you will do. For example:

• Instead of “You need to stop yelling at me,” try, “If this conversation continues in this tone, I’m going to take a break and step away.”

• Instead of “You can’t bring up that topic anymore,” try, “I’m not comfortable discussing that, so I’ll step back if it comes up.”

See the difference? You’re still standing up for yourself, but you’re not dictating what someone else can or can’t do. You’re taking charge of your own peace.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries are powerful, but only when they’re rooted in self-awareness and respect. If you catch yourself slipping into control, don’t beat yourself up. It’s natural to want others to change when something bothers us. The key is to refocus on what you can control—your actions, your responses, and your peace.

Ask yourself: Is this boundary about protecting myself, or is it about controlling someone else? That answer can guide you toward healthier, more effective boundary-setting.