Rethinking the Cycle of Grief: Embracing a Modern Perspective
For decades, the “five stages of grief” model, developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, has shaped our understanding of loss. While this framework (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) offered a way to make sense of grief, recent research and personal experiences have shown that grief is much more complex than a predictable, step-by-step cycle. In reality, grief is as unique as the individual experiencing it, and it doesn’t follow a linear path.
In this post, we’ll explore updated perspectives on grief and how embracing a more fluid understanding of loss can help us navigate it with compassion and flexibility.
Grief Isn’t Linear: Breaking Free from the Cycle
One of the main criticisms of the traditional cycle of grief is that it implies a sequence—a progression from one stage to the next, with a clear end in sight. However, grief doesn’t work like that. Instead, grief often comes in waves. You might feel moments of intense sorrow followed by periods of calm, only to experience another surge of emotion when something triggers a memory of your loss. This is normal.
Rather than striving to “move through” the stages, it’s important to understand that grief can ebb and flow over time. You might feel acceptance one day and anger the next, and that doesn’t mean you’re regressing. Grief is not a task to be completed but an ongoing experience that changes over time.
Continuing Bonds: Staying Connected to What We’ve Lost
Another key shift in the understanding of grief is the concept of “continuing bonds.” This idea challenges the notion that moving on from grief means severing emotional ties with the person or thing you’ve lost. Instead, it suggests that it’s possible—and even healthy—to maintain an ongoing connection to what has been lost, whether through memories, rituals, or new ways of incorporating them into your life.
This perspective offers a more compassionate view of grief. It allows us to honor the significance of our loss without the pressure to “get over” it. Whether it’s a loved one, a relationship, or a phase of life, continuing bonds can help integrate loss into our daily lives while still moving forward.
Meaning-Making: Finding Purpose in Pain
In the face of profound loss, it’s common to search for meaning. The modern perspective on grief emphasizes the role of meaning-making—finding ways to derive significance or purpose from the experience. This could involve creating rituals that honor the person you’ve lost, participating in activities they enjoyed, or even engaging in advocacy or support for others who are grieving.
While meaning-making doesn’t erase the pain of loss, it can provide a sense of empowerment and purpose, allowing individuals to reshape their narrative around grief in a way that feels meaningful to them.
The Role of Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss refers to situations where there is no clear closure—such as when a loved one is physically present but psychologically absent due to conditions like dementia or addiction. This form of loss can also occur when a loved one disappears or is missing, leaving the bereaved in a state of uncertainty.
Understanding ambiguous loss is crucial because it doesn’t fit neatly into traditional grief models. People experiencing this type of grief often struggle with the lack of closure and may feel stuck in an in-between state. Validating this type of loss and recognizing its complexity is important in offering support.
Embracing the Full Spectrum of Grief
Grief is multifaceted. It encompasses emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief, especially in cases of long-term suffering. No one emotion is “right” or “wrong” in the grieving process, and there is no timeline for healing.
Modern grief theory encourages us to approach grief with flexibility and openness. Rather than measuring our progress against an outdated model, we can allow ourselves to experience grief in all its forms—whether through waves of emotion, moments of peace, or ongoing connections to the person or thing we’ve lost.
Supporting Yourself and Others Through Grief
Given this more nuanced understanding of grief, how can we support ourselves and others during times of loss?
Allow for a range of emotions: Recognize that grief can be messy, unpredictable, and non-linear. It’s okay to feel conflicting emotions at once.
Validate continuing bonds: Encourage yourself or others to stay connected to what’s been lost in meaningful ways, without feeling pressure to “move on.”
Seek meaning where it feels right: Whether through reflection, creative expression, or helping others, finding meaning can offer comfort.
Offer compassionate support: Be present with others in their grief. Avoid offering clichés or suggesting that they should be at a certain stage of their process. Grief takes time, and it looks different for everyone.
Conclusion: Grief Is Personal, Not a Prescribed Path
The traditional cycle of grief has offered a starting point for understanding loss, but it no longer fits the broader, more complex reality that so many of us experience. By embracing the modern perspectives of waves, continuing bonds, and meaning-making, we can create a more compassionate framework for navigating the pain of loss.
Grief is not something to “get over,” but something we live with—and in doing so, we find ways to carry the memory of what we’ve lost while continuing to move forward.