Why We Sabotage Ourselves: Understanding Our Inner Protectors
Have you ever found yourself sabotaging something you care deeply about? Maybe you procrastinate on an important project, shy away from a promising opportunity, or push people away when relationships get too close. On the surface, this behavior seems baffling—why would we stand in the way of our own happiness or success?
Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach that views the mind as made up of different “parts,” offers a compassionate and insightful explanation for self-sabotage. According to IFS, what looks like self-sabotage is often a protective mechanism—a way to guard against perceived threats, even if it comes at a cost.
The Role of Protectors
In IFS, our inner world consists of different “parts,” each with its own role. Some parts take on the job of protecting us from pain, rejection, or failure. These protective parts are often behind self-sabotaging behaviors.
For example:
The Procrastinator may delay work on a big project, fearing that failure (or even success) will lead to criticism or overwhelm.
The Inner Critic might tear you down to prevent you from taking risks, hoping to keep you safe from potential humiliation.
The People-Pleaser may put others’ needs above your own, afraid of rejection if you assert your boundaries.
While these protectors have good intentions, their methods can backfire, keeping us stuck and disconnected from our true desires.
Why Protectors Take Over
Protective parts often form in response to difficult experiences, especially during childhood. For example, if you were criticized harshly as a child, a protector might step in to keep you from repeating that experience. This protector may use tactics like perfectionism to ensure you avoid mistakes—or procrastination to avoid even trying.
Over time, these parts can become rigid, believing their role is essential for your survival. They don’t realize that their strategies, once helpful, may no longer serve you in the present.
The Cost of Self-Sabotage
While protectors act out of a desire to shield us, their efforts can come at a cost. Self-sabotage can prevent us from achieving our goals, forming healthy relationships, or fully embracing life. It can leave us feeling frustrated, confused, and disconnected from our deeper sense of self.
Befriending Your Protectors
The key to overcoming self-sabotage is not to fight these parts but to understand and befriend them. IFS teaches us to approach our protective parts with curiosity and compassion.
Here’s how you can start:
Notice the Patterns. Pay attention to moments when you engage in self-sabotaging behavior. What triggers it?
Get Curious. Instead of criticizing yourself, ask, What is this part of me afraid of? What is it trying to protect me from?
Show Compassion. Acknowledge the positive intention behind the behavior, even if it’s no longer helpful. For example, “Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I don’t need this protection right now.”
Reconnect with Your Self. In IFS, your “Self” is the calm, wise, and compassionate core of who you are. From this place, you can lead your parts toward healing and collaboration.
Moving Forward
Self-sabotage isn’t a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a signal that parts of you are trying to protect you. By listening to and working with these parts, you can transform self-sabotaging patterns into opportunities for growth and healing.
Internal Family Systems invites us to view ourselves with greater compassion, recognizing that even the parts of us that seem to get in the way are doing their best to help. When we honor and heal these protectors, we can move forward with greater clarity, confidence, and self-acceptance.
If this resonates with you, consider exploring IFS with a therapist or journaling about your own inner parts. Remember, every part of you deserves to be heard and understood.