Can Your Attachment Style Change? (Spoiler: Yes—With a Little Help.)
If you've ever taken an attachment quiz online and sighed at the results, you're not alone. Many of us have had the experience of reading about anxious or avoidant attachment and thinking, “Yikes. That’s me.” It can feel like getting handed a relationship report card you never knew you signed up for.
But here's the good news: your attachment style isn’t a fixed label—it’s more like a snapshot of how you’ve learned to relate to others based on your experiences. And just like humans grow, attachment styles can shift, too.
Wait—What Is Attachment, Again?
Attachment theory is essentially the study of how we connect. It starts in childhood, when our brains are busy taking notes on questions like:
Can I count on the people around me?
Is it safe to express my needs?
What happens when I reach out for comfort?
Based on those early interactions, we tend to develop certain patterns. For example:
Anxious attachment might show up as a deep fear of being abandoned or a need for constant reassurance.
Avoidant attachment can look like pulling away from intimacy or being hyper-independent.
Disorganized attachment is more chaotic—it often involves conflicting desires for closeness and distance.
Secure attachment means we’re generally able to trust, connect, and navigate conflict with a decent amount of grace (and fewer late-night overthinking sessions).
These styles often follow us into adulthood, especially in close relationships. But they don’t have to stay locked in place forever.
So…Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. In fact, they often do—with time, intention, and the right kinds of support.
Think of your attachment style as your emotional “default settings.” You might have learned early on that it was safer to keep your guard up, or that you had to overfunction emotionally to stay connected. But as your environment changes—and especially as you build new, healthier relational experiences—those settings can start to recalibrate.
One of the best places for that to happen? The therapy room.
How Relational Therapy Helps
Relational therapy is a bit like emotional physical therapy. It’s not just about talking through your feelings—it’s about experiencing new ways of relating in real time, with your therapist acting as a secure, attuned presence.
Here’s how that can look:
Being seen and accepted even when you’re messy, anxious, or unsure.
Receiving gentle challenge when old protective patterns (like shutting down or people-pleasing) pop up.
Learning to trust the therapeutic relationship as a model for future connections.
Over time, therapy can help rewire those old messages like “I’m too much” or “I can only rely on myself.” You start to internalize new truths, like “I can reach out and still be safe,” or “It’s okay to need support.”
Is it magic? Not quite. But it’s close. (Okay, maybe more like science meets patience.)
Signs Your Attachment Style Might Be Shifting
You catch yourself pausing before reacting out of fear or defensiveness.
You’re more curious than critical toward your emotional patterns.
You start letting people in—even a little.
You feel less anxious or avoidant in relationships that used to trigger you.
Progress doesn’t mean you never get triggered. It means you notice it, name it, and respond differently. And that’s huge.
Final Thoughts
You are not stuck with the version of you that learned to protect yourself through distance, over-functioning, or anxious clinging. Your attachment style is not a life sentence—it’s a roadmap of where you’ve been. And therapy can help you choose where you’d like to go next.
If you’ve ever wondered whether you can feel more secure in relationships, the answer is: yes. With time, support, and the willingness to look inward (and maybe cry a little along the way), real change is not only possible—it’s already happening.
And if you're curious to explore this in a safe, nonjudgmental space, we’re here when you’re ready.