The Problem with “You Have to Love Yourself First”
“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” It’s one of those phrases that gets thrown around so often, it almost feels like an absolute truth. The kind of advice that sounds wise, encouraging—even necessary. But here’s the problem: it’s not entirely true.
Of course, self-love is important. Feeling secure in who you are, treating yourself with kindness, and understanding your own worth can absolutely make relationships healthier. But the idea that you must fully love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else? That’s a high bar, and one that most of us will never reach.
Self-Love Isn’t a Finish Line
If loving yourself was a prerequisite for relationships, a lot of us would be waiting forever. The truth is, self-love is not a one-and-done achievement. It’s an ongoing process, one that changes over time and in different circumstances. Some days, you might feel confident and self-assured; other days, self-doubt might creep in. That’s human. Expecting yourself to be perfectly self-loving before allowing yourself to connect with others can be isolating and unrealistic.
Relationships Can Help Build Self-Love
Think about the times when someone’s kindness, patience, or support helped you see yourself in a better light. Maybe a friend reminded you of your strengths when you doubted yourself. Maybe a partner showed you a kind of care that made you realize you were worthy of it. Relationships—when they’re healthy—can be a space where self-love grows, not just something that needs to be completed before entering them.
Of course, relying on someone else to create your self-worth is risky. No one can do that work for you. But sometimes, being in a loving relationship (whether romantic, platonic, or familial) gives you the encouragement and perspective to see yourself differently.
Flawed, Insecure People Deserve Love Too
The biggest flaw in the “love yourself first” idea is that it can make people feel like they aren’t ready for love if they struggle with self-worth. It suggests that unless you are entirely healed, whole, and secure, you don’t deserve—or aren’t capable of—being in a relationship. But relationships aren’t just for people who have everything figured out. They’re for real, imperfect, sometimes insecure people.
Yes, self-love matters. Yes, it’s important to work on yourself and not expect a relationship to fix you. But love is not a reward for reaching peak self-acceptance. It’s something that can exist alongside the messiness of personal growth.
So, What’s the Better Advice?
Instead of telling people they must love themselves first, maybe we should say:
“Work on being kind to yourself, but don’t wait until you feel perfect to let people in.”
“A healthy relationship won’t fix your self-worth, but it can help support it.”
“You don’t have to be fully healed to be loved—you just need to be willing to grow.”
Because at the end of the day, love—real, healthy, human love—is not about perfection. It’s about connection, support, and the willingness to grow together.